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I always knew I was different. Something was ‘wrong’ with me; although I could never quite put my finger on precisely what it was. I certainly didn’t know that I was living with Borderline Personality Disorder, also known as BPD. As a child, I had been taught to value my differences and I was told that my strong headed personality would get me far in life. The adults around me chalked up my differences from other kids to ‘early maturity’ and being ‘very smart for my age’. I was a born leader with a dynamic personality.
I even had my ‘normal’ teenage struggles. In reality, nothing was normal about my teenage life because I was living with Borderline Personality Disorder. Throughout my adolescence years, I had tons of difficulty making and keeping friends. Over many years I went through friends like they were going out of style. A new best friend every year, sometimes even less. I was very devoted to my best friends and wanted to spend all of my time with them. Then, as usual, they would do some awful, completely unforgivable thing and I would need to set them straight.
Everyone told me that high school was filled with immature kids and that University would be different. The kids there would be better and more mature. Yeah, no such luck. By the end of my first year, I’d managed to get on the bad side of every person in the entire building; some teachers included. The University kids were still very immature and I just didn’t want any part in their behavior.
Finally, into my second year, I met a new friend named Megan. We hit it off right from the start. I wanted to spend all my time with her. She was perfect. I idolized Megan. The best thing about her was that she was new to the school that year and she could get to know me for me and not by all the other awful things I’m certain the other kids say about me behind my back.
Things were going great with Megan. There wasn’t a thing about Megan that I didn’t like. Well, I suppose she had her flaws but what person doesn’t. I looked past them and didn’t dare mention the things she did that bothered me. I wouldn’t want to insult her or make her feel hurt or rejected so I just pushed them aside and ignored them.
Things were going great until one day when she really did it! I took her over to my family’s friend’s house where she actually had the nerve to say they were mean because they were rich and didn’t sponsor a child. Well, that was it! I couldn’t figure out what in the world was wrong with her. Yeah, they were rich and no they didn’t sponsor a child, but maybe she should watch her mouth. I’d already done her a huge favor by pushing aside every other seriously annoying thing that she did and now she’s gone and said this!! How dare she even consider saying that to me?! I’ve done so much for her. It’s obvious that she is completely oblivious to how much I sacrifice for her every day. Rage filled throughout me as my thoughts raced about all the sacrifices I had made for her and how much of an ungrateful bitch she was being; and with that I vowed that I could not have such an awful, useless, ungrateful person in my life. The rage continued and I vowed to myself that I would make her life miserable at school for as long as I possibly could. I hated her; end of story.
Does the story above sound all too easy to relate too? Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is NOT a joke. It causes mounds of stress and distress for the sufferer and the sufferer’s loved ones; its effects on someone who has never seen it, are sometimes unfathomable.
Some people may be looking into this article from the perspective of an outsider, thinking they want to understand what this disorder really feels like. Let me inform you, no you don’t.
Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is like living in hell.
Here are some typical feelings for anyone living with Borderline Personality Disorder:
- Sadness
- Desperation
- Fear
- Anger
- Helplessness
- Hopelessness
- Pain
- Emptiness
- Loneliness
Not only is it common for a person living with Borderline Personality Disorder to feel these emotions, it is also common for them to be plagued with multiple ones at any given time. It is quite common for the emotions to change in the blink of an eye. There is a huge sense of loss of control, as though they are being sucked into a black hole of nothingness within themselves.
There is a mnemonic for BPD: Praise
P-Paranoid ideas
R-Relationship Instability
A-Anger outbursts, affective instability, abandonment fears
I-Impulsive behavior, Identity Disturbance
S-Suicidal Behavior
E-Emptiness
These symptoms may seem common to many disorders, however people with BPD experience all of them – a lot.
You may ask someone living with Borderline Personality Disorder why they are sad? Chances are they will not have an answer. They will make one up to satisfy your question, but truthfully, deep down all they know is they are depressed, lonely, empty, in pain and hurting all at the same time with no idea why. Life becomes about wearing a mask and faking an identity to get through the day. People living with Borderline Personality Disorder have difficulty maintaining a sense of identity and purpose in life and it’s hard for them to maintain and reach goals because they truly do not know who they are or what they want. If you could feel their feelings, you would be burdened with a petrifying sense of rejection. It’s as though every one around you will up and leave on cue. Sometimes, people living with Borderline Personality Disorder feel as though it is easier to leave the ones they love; as opposed to being left.
If you could see inside a person living with Borderline Personality Disorder, you would know they feel like they are dying but they keep it all inside and let it fall apart only when they are alone. Only a handful of people in their life know because they keep their breakdowns a secret so they aren’t labeled as being crazy. Emotional pain can become so intense, that someone living with Borderline Personality Disorder has to fight with their self to stop from hurting their self. So really, anyone who does not understand this disorder should consider their genuine ignorance a blessing.
For those of you who are living with Borderline Personality Disorder; be proud and hold your head high. Take a step back and realize that you have already endured more than a normal person ever will in their entire lifetime. Be proud of your strong ability to cope with emotional pain; most people could not handle what you already have.
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A note from HealthTopics.ca about this author:
Adara is not the author’s real name. Think of it as a mask worn by this person who lives with Borderline Personality Disorder. Although you do not know her real name, her story is real. Her short life has been filled with unimaginable pain. Now that she knows she is living with Borderline Personality Disorder she is committed to getting the help she needs so that she can live a full and satisfying life WITHOUT this disorder. I asked her to share her story so that others may benefit. Too often families don’t know their loved one is suffering with this disorder so it gets left untreated and becomes worse, sometimes resulting in suicide. In many cases, as is the case for Adara, they have sought therapy and still remain undiagnosed. In Adara’s case it took a major meltdown with extremely destructive behavior for her to land in the hospital emergency ward where she ended up with a diagnosis of BPD. This has put her on the road to recovery. Please, if you see extreme relationship troubles, continuous instant rage and overwhelming, often unwarranted, feelings of rejection coming from your loved one; learn more about Borderline Personality Disorder Symptoms and treatments.
